1Age is a structural element in dating. The endogamous and asymmetrical nature of couples bears this out: they often pair partners who are close in age, and in the case of heterosexual couples, usually place the man in the position of the elder. So what meaning does age have in the selection of a partner? Observing the composition of existing couples does not provide an answer to this question: it reveals the final outcome, but remains silent as to how couples actually come into being. Understanding the way in which romantic relationships are formed, and the role of age in this process, necessarily involves taking an interest in how people meet and in the partner preferences that come into play in dating.

2This study looks at one type of relationship in particular: those that get started on online dating sites (cf. “Methods and Data” at the end of this article). These sites, dedicated to partner matching, have become increasingly popular in France since the early 2000s. [1] They considerably widen the pool of potential partners, but at the same time, they change the process of dating and couple formation. While relationships usually start with an actual physical encounter, users of dating sites present themselves through “user profiles” before meeting in real life. This new scenario changes the role of age in partner selection: it gives priority to numerical age over social age, which takes precedence in face-to-face interactions. This article takes a closer look at this change in the way people meet. More precisely, online dating here serves as a mirror held up to “ordinary” dating. Because these sites alter the role played by age, they reveal all the better the way this characteristic operates in relationship formation.

3Thus through the prism of dating sites, the aim is to shed light on the significance of age in dating, not only online but also offline. The demonstration will take place in three steps. First, a brief overview of the history and the organization of online dating will show the way these sites alter the scenario of romantic and sexual encounters. Second, an analysis of users’ self-presentations will highlight the difficulty of translating one’s subjective age into chronological terms. Finally, users’ partner criteria will illustrate women’s and men’s different approaches to age and the gender inequality that exists in the way couples are formed.

The inverted scenario of mediated dating

4Online dating sites are a recent invention. They first appeared in the United States in the mid-1990s before being imported to France a few years later. As commercial services dedicated to matching romantic and/or sexual partners, however, these sites are part of a much longer history. They can be seen as a continuation of the marriage agencies and personal ads that developed in the late nineteenth century. The matrimonial agencies, which began to proliferate in France in the 1870s, were aimed at a well-to-do, urban, bourgeois clientele. They promised discreet matchmaking, for which they received a portion of the dowry if the couple ended up going down the aisle. [2] Personal ads, which caught on with the rapid growth of newspapers and magazines at the turn of the twentieth century, reached a broader socio-economic circle. [3] In France, one of the main media for such advertisements was Le Chasseur français (“The French Hunter”), which published its first matrimonial ads in the 1880s. The magazine’s “marriage partner” columns took off in the period between the World Wars. [4] Yet the use of these commercial services never became socially accepted. Harshly criticized right from the start, [5] they remained a marginalized practice that concerned less than 2% of French adults in the mid-1980s. [6]

5Dating sites, however, have been considerably more successful. In 2013, approximately 14% of the French population aged 25 to 65 had subscribed to a site at some point. Unprecedented in terms of their popularity, these sites are nevertheless a continuation of earlier dating services, and especially of personal ads. This ancestry is clear from the first American dating sites which were created by companies specializing in personal ads. [7] Continuity can also be seen in the sites’ architecture, which is based first and foremost on self-presentations (user profiles) where users introduce themselves and describe the type of partner they are looking for. These presentations are subject to a specific type of writing which could be seen in the earliest “marriage partner ads” [8] and which is also observed on dating sites, where the self-presentations are often called “ads”.

6Finally, these sites are based on a dating scenario that is similar to that of earlier matchmaking services and which is very different from “ordinary” dating. One key element of this new script is that actual physical encounters are deferred to a second stage. On dating sites, just as when people resort to ads or agencies, the prospective partners first discover each other through “profiles” before meeting “for real”. This is a major change in the dating process, as it diminishes the importance of the body in making first impressions. While physical appearance is usually the first source of information about another person, in this context “natural hints” about social status and identity are replaced by written clues. [9] Thus mediated dating is characterized by a process-based judgement of potential partners. The latter are evaluated first on the basis of certain objective criteria (age, marital status, parenthood, profession, level of education, etc.) before an appreciation of the way these criteria are embodied (bodily hexis, habits, how the person talks and moves). [10]

7The role of age in partner selection is consequently altered. In the context of face-to-face interactions, age is as much a social category as a biological one. Although it would seem to be an objective characteristic, it actually takes on different meanings depending on the context and the people involved. [11] Through behavior, clothing or occupational status, for instance, a given person might be seen as “young”, while someone else of the same age, but with a different style and status, could be perceived as “mature”. [12] This social perception of age is partially lost in mediated dating, where, age is announced in numerical terms and is also disconnected from the person’s other features and characteristics. Dating services lead to an objectification of age, by presenting it in its chronological form only.

8At the same time, these services turn age into a key criterion for selecting a mate. This is particularly true for online dating sites where a person’s sex and age, as well as their preferences in terms of the sex and the age of the partner, are all required when signing up. While users are generally free to choose how to describe themselves, these particular elements are often mandatory in order to validate one’s user profile and access the site. Age is therefore a fundamental component of both the self-portrait and of the search for partners. This is all the more true since age is a criterion for filtering members’ profiles on the site. As it is often impossible to explore all profiles available on a site, users sort through them with the help of a search engine (or algorithm). Age is a central element in this pre-selection process. It constitutes a discriminating criterion that automatically reduces the pool of potential partners.

9Online dating thus modifies both the nature and the place of age in partner selection, as compared to face-to-face encounters. It reduces age to its strict chronological form and turns it into a condition of eligibility for partner choice. These features make mediated dating similar to the job-recruitment process. To cope with an often overwhelming number of applicants, employers perform a preselection in stages. The first stage corresponds to an evaluation of the candidates’ “profiles” – CV or résumé and covering letters – in order to call only a small fraction of them in for an interview. [13] In a similar way, dating site users reduce the range of prospective partners using standardized search criteria. They perform assessments of “qualification” [14] on applicants and establish their eligibility using a limited number of criteria, with age being first among them.

10This new role played by age in dating has provoked some reactions. Although dating sites undeniably modify the logic of evaluating partners, users do not yield to it entirely. This is obvious from user profiles where several strategies are at work in order to bypass the reductive character of numerical age. This is also noticeable in users’ declared age preferences, which do not only refer to the potential partners’ chronological age but reflect the wide range of significations that can be given to this feature. Precisely because online dating sites tend to reduce it to a uniform criterion, they bring out the highly social and gendered character of a person’s age.

Putting a number on one’s age: self-presentation strategies

11Unlike personal ads – where people present themselves however they please, and choose whether or not to specify their age [15] – dating sites include a required field for date of birth. The answers provided to this question reveal strategies of circumvention with regard to the mandatory and restrictive nature of the question. One of these circumventing strategies consists in indicating an implausibly high age (e.g. 99 years old), which is just another way of not indicating one’s real age. Another, much more common, approach is to alter one’s date of birth in order to pass as older, or, more often, as younger. This practice can be observed on the Meetic site where subscribers’ birth years hit peaks at “rounded” numbers, like 1970, 1975 and 1980. The age pyramid on Meetic thus has an irregular shape. This is true for both sexes: the degree of over-representation at rounded numbers is comparable for women and men (fig. 1).

Figure 1

Stated age pyramid on Meetic.fr in 2014

Stated age pyramid on Meetic.fr in 2014

Interpretation: In 2014, there were 12,784 user profiles of 34-year-old men (i.e. men born in 1980) created on Meetic.fr vs. 9,918 accounts for 35-year-old men (men born in 1979). That same year, 11,232 profiles of 34-year-old women (women born in 1980) were created vs. 8,564 profiles of 35-year-old women (women born in 1979).
Coverage: “Active” user profiles registered on Meetic.fr in 2014. In this context, an “active” user refers to a user who reconnected to the site at least one day after the profile was created. (N = 988,883).

12Although users of dating sites are often accused of lying in general, this research, as well as other studies, indicates that deceit is actually limited, and often restricted to information regarding age, height and weight. [16] What these different characteristics have in common is that they form a continuum. Unlike other characteristics – such as marital status, level of education or occupation – switching from one category to another does not in itself imply a change in status. Age, height and weight are by definition measures that evolve. In addition, they are rarely perceived in entirely objective terms, but are subject to approximation: people are described as young, tall or slim. Equivocation regarding these features can thus be understood as a reaction to their arbitrary nature: the numerical objectification sometimes does a poor job of expressing how these characteristics are subjectively experienced. Rather than an instance of dishonest behavior, revising one’s self-portrait appears as a way of bringing the objective measures into line with one’s physical appearance or with how old “one feels”. Strategies of this sort were common in personal ads, where some kind of qualitative judgement was often added to the numerical age: “49 but looks 40”, or “43, youthful appearance and attitude”, “69, looks less”. [17] These self-presentation strategies, which consist in introducing one’s physical and social age alongside the chronological one, are impossible on dating sites that require a date of birth. By modifying that information, users “lie” about their objective age in order to stay true to their subjective one, which may appear more favorable for attracting potential partners Evasive interpretations of age are also a way of anticipating the age preferences of the opposite sex. As stated above, users of online dating sites resort to search engines in order to reduce the pool of potential partners. Knowing that age is a key criterion in this preselection process, some users adapt their age in order to correspond to the criteria they assume will match those of people they want to meet. This strategy leads both sexes to take a few years off their actual age. As shown in a study in the US, men lower their age to make themselves acceptable to still younger women. In response to this expected male preference, women also lower their age, but in order to appeal to men close to their own age. [18] The same tendency appears in the interviews conducted for this research.

13

[Véronique, 68 years old, retired businesswoman, no children]
[Follow-up question] So, you didn’t put your real age in your profile?
No, when I met Jean [current partner] I hadn’t. I didn’t put my real age, I took six years off it. Liliane told me to say I was younger! She said, “Listen…” The truth is that if you write 58… I think I said 53.
Why is that?
Because Liliane had said, “Listen, you look 50”. I had put 53 [laughter]. Why? To get a foot in the door, you know. Because with Jean, if I had put my real age, he wouldn’t even have answered. He told me so himself. I said to him one day, “Listen, you’re happy that we got together and all, right? And don’t you think I’m, you know… But if I had put my real age?” And he answered, “Yeah, well, that would have been…” He had gotten it into his head that he wanted to meet – in fact, I think it’s what he’d written [in his profile], that he wanted to meet a woman who was, I can’t remember exactly, but he was 63, right? He’d written something like 45-50 […] I just wanted to meet someone about my own age, and to meet someone my own age, I had to say I was younger. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have met any. That’s pretty much the lesson I learned from my profile.

14This excerpt from the interview illustrates strategies for getting around the chronological age imposed by dating sites. Véronique modified her date of birth in order to make it fit her social and subjectively felt age. She gives preference to how old she looks rather than to how old she is. The aim is essentially to match the criteria of men she herself is interested in. The idea is to get “a foot in the door” despite the fact that men her age close the door on women over a certain age – locking her out. To hear the interviewee, her “lie” isn’t really one and hasn’t been perceived as such by her partner. Face to face, social age is in fact more important than chronological age and it ends up mattering more in couple formation.

15Online dating sites, by giving priority to numerical age, reveal that this component is not of primary importance in ordinary dating. This inverted mirror effect also works in the study of age preferences in a partner. Although dating sites undeniably reinforce the importance of chronological age in partner selection, this is not the only criterion taken into account when evaluating potential partners. As in self-presentations, age preferences refer to social characteristics and, as such, highlight the multiple significations of age in partner choice.

Partner preferences and the gendered significations of age

16The role played by age in partner selection is well documented in sociology and more specifically in the literature on the age gap between spouses. The starting point for this field of research is the observation of a structural asymmetry between heterosexual partners: in most relationships, the woman is younger than the man. This tendency has been remarkably constant across both time and space. Only the extent of the age gap seems to differ as between countries and time periods. [19] As a consequence, many researchers see in this phenomenon a universal cultural norm, claiming that, at all times and in all places, “men prefer young women and women prefer mature men”. [20] This essentialist interpretation of age preferences is problematic. First of all, it presents numerical age as a key element in partner evaluation. Secondly, it is to extrapolate a univocal preference for age asymmetry, among both women and men, from an observed average age difference between spouses. The study of online dating goes against these interpretations. It shows that age does not have the same meaning for women and men and that its signification and relevance vary over the course of a life history. Thus, although the age gap in favor of men is a strong tendency, it is not unanimously sought after by both sexes. The age preferences expressed by dating site users are informative about the role of age in couple formation and the gendered attitudes of both sexes towards this characteristic in a partner.

17The analysis of age criteria stated in user profiles on Meetic gives clues as to the structure of women’s and men’s age preferences in a prospective partner. The first observation is that the age range considered is relatively wide: most users (64%) indicate an age bracket of 10 years or more, whereas very few users (5%) state a narrow bracket of three years or less. Whether the users have an ideal age in mind or not, most of them display a generous threshold of acceptability. However, the degree of “generosity” varies: at almost every age, women indicate narrower age brackets than men do. More importantly, the two sexes differ as to the nature of their stated preferences, accepting to different degrees the idea of dating an older person or a younger one. In order to grasp these different attitudes toward the age gap, we will look first at the preferences of young people in the early stages of their romantic life, and then look at older people who have experienced a break-up. Considering these two groups will show the different significations of age and how these vary depending on both gender and the stage reached in one’s life.

The desire for femininity or maturity early in a life trajectory

18Among Meetic users, young people stand out as to the age criteria they indicate in their profiles. First, their preferences differ from those of older women and men. Secondly, it is among the young that the criteria differ most between the sexes. Men aged 18 to 24 appear to be relatively indifferent to their prospective partner’s age (Table 1). While they would prefer to meet someone whose age is close to their own, they are open to meeting both younger women (69%) and older ones (95%). This openness distinguishes them from older men who display a clear preference for younger partners. It also makes them different from women in their own age range. Indeed, female users under 25 have the most rigid age preferences. They express an almost unanimous desire for an older partner (98%) and, at the same time, they show considerable hesitation about younger men: barely a quarter of the young women (26%) are willing to consider a relationship in which the man might be the younger partner. Early on in their romantic and sexual life, women insist strongly on an age gap in favor of the man, while younger men are open to either configuration.

Table 1

Stated age preferences on Meetic.fr by gender and age (%)

Open to meeting younger people Exclusive preference for younger people Open to meeting older people Exclusive preference for older people Women 18-24 26 1 98 42 25-34 62 1 99 21 35-39 69 1 98 19 40-49 80 5 91 10 50-59 84 12 84 7 60 and up 89 18 75 4 Total 69 5 92 17 Men 18-24 69 1 95 12 25-34 96 4 92 1 35-39 98 9 85 1 40-49 98 21 70 1 50-59 99 38 53 1 60 and up 99 51 38 1 Total 93 17 77 3

Stated age preferences on Meetic.fr by gender and age (%)

Interpretation: 26% of women aged 18 to 24 indicate an age bracket that includes younger partners (i.e. the minimum age indicated is below their own age) as opposed to 69% of men in the same age group. 18% of the women aged 60 and above indicate an age bracket that is focused exclusively on younger partners (the maximum age indicated is below their own age) as opposed to 51% of the men in the same age group.
Coverage: “Active” user profiles registered on Meetic.fr in 2014. In this context, an “active” user refers to a user who reconnected to the site at least one day after the profile was created. (N = 988,883).

19A textual analysis of young users’ profiles was carried out in order to fit these age preferences into the broader framework of what young people look for in a partner. [21] It shows that young men pay attention notably to their prospective partner’s sensitivity, gentleness and kindness, as well as to her sexy, feminine and affectionate side. All these are qualities traditionally considered to be typical of women. When describing what they are looking for, young men indeed focus on femininity. While this feature is generally associated with youth, it is not an exclusive privilege of younger women. Femininity is a key element of gender relations but not necessarily associated with a certain age. Textual analysis therefore shows that young male users are just as likely to look for a woman as for a girl, while the female users are much more likely to be looking for a man than for a young guy or a toyboy.

20Young women’s profiles are of a different kind. When female users describe what type of partner they are looking for, they describe someone who is thoughtful, affectionate, a good listener, a gentleman and respectful. In other words, they focus on relational qualities that depict the man as a provider of a series of gratifications: gallantry, attention, affection, respect and care. Female users describe a man who will protect them and whom they can lean on. In addition, they want a partner who is mature, serious and settled. The attention and support which women are looking for will be sought from a mature man.

21The age preferences stated by female users must be seen in the light of this search for maturity that Michel Bozon observed among young women as early as the 1980s. The author linked the preference for mature men with the value placed on men’s experience and, more precisely, on their social situation. Thus a man’s maturity referred less to his chronological age than to his social one: a man who showed himself to be economically independent and who had a stable position was considered mature. [22] In the past 30 years, young women’s expectations from dating don’t seem to have changed much. The preference for a partner who has left behind the uncertainty and insouciance of youth can still be seen in online dating profiles, and is also clear from the interviews conducted with young female users.

22

[Pauline, 22, working student, no children]
He [the current partner] just does have life experience that means that… he’s not like all those guys who don’t know what they want. I mean, with both Anthony and Clément [former partners], that was how it was. Basically, it’s because they were too young and they didn’t know who they were, where they were going, or why. You see what I mean? So, well, I’m kind of fed up with all that.

23Although several of the young women interviewed had had sexual partners their own age, their experiences in a couple most often involved men who were older than they were. When young women enter conjugality, their choice goes first to men whose life experiences show “who they are” and “where they’re going” to quote the interviewee above. Unlike men their own age, these partners are reassuring to young women because of their social stability, which offers a sense of security, even in emotional terms. The fact that women today can enter higher education and have better access to the job market and to positions of responsibility than in the past does not seem to have significantly changed the way in which they picture romantic relationships or their role within the couple. Even though women’s social status has increased considerably, they seem reluctant to transfer their newly acquired independence to the field of conjugality. Indeed, young women’s representation of the couple leads them to choose partners who are ahead of them in terms of education and occupation. [23] This automatically results in an asymmetry in age, reflecting an asymmetry in status which young women are the first to advocate.

Gendered approaches to age and gender inequalities

34Age takes on different meanings in couple formation. This is particularly clear from online dating sites as they try to reduce this social attribute to an objective variable. These sites also highlight women’s and men’s contrasting attitudes towards both their own age and that of their prospective partners. In so doing, they reveal the gender inequalities that are part and parcel of couple relationships.

35Firstly, young users’ age preferences bear witness to women’s and men’s dissymmetrical relationship to the romantic experience. Unlike men, young women display what Sonia Dayan-Herzbrun calls an “emotional dependency” on their partners. [27] When searching for a spouse, young women look less for reciprocity than for support and security and so turn to older men. The economic independence acquired by women over the past decades does not seem to have erased this emotional dependency. On the contrary, couple formation appears to be a place where asymmetry between the sexes persists with particular strength.

36The situation of people who are separated (both women and men) reveals the unequal consequences of conjugal and family life on the two sexes. Because women generally have custody of their children after a break-up, men have more leeway and freedom to “start over”. Thus, separation makes men young again. Single and living without children, they’re ready for a fresh start, and look for women who are young “as well” and therefore likely to share their aspirations. Thus ageing – and the romantic and parental experiences that stem from it – leaves more of a mark on women than on men. This leads to the exclusion of older women, who, while they are equally affected by the rising rates of separation as men, are much less likely to repartner. The gendered approaches to age observed on online dating sites therefore reflect the unequal conditions in which women and men enter life in a couple, as well as the different perspectives offered to them when they exit it.